Dear Justin Humphrey Sperm Host:
I have recently read your words clarifying how you believe a woman should conduct her life, and how she should be considered by other human beings, and I do believe you’ve omitted an important factor in the conversation. Following your drafting of House Bill 1441, which states that abortion would be prohibited without consent from the father, mandatorily identified by any woman seeking to terminate her pregnancy — with the caveat that the person identified may demand a paternity test — you were asked to clarify the intent of this particular bill, and … I think you may have stroked out. What I mean is, are you fucking nuts? (Rhetorical question.) I beg your pardon if I’m jumping ahead too quickly; let’s take a look at your elucidation:
I believe one of the breakdowns in our society is that we have excluded the man out of all of these types of decisions. I understand that they [women] feel like that is their body. I feel like it is a separate — what I call them is, is you’re a ‘host.’ And you know when you enter into a relationship you’re going to be that host and so, you know, if you pre-know that then take all precautions and don’t get pregnant. So that’s where I’m at. I’m like, hey, your body is your body and be responsible with it. But after you’re irresponsible then don’t claim, well, I can just go and do this with another body, when you’re the host and you invited that in.”
Speaking as a … what was it you called women who have “irresponsibly” allowed ourselves to become pregnant … speaking as a once and former host, I feel like you have left out a key component of the whole pregnancy thing. You see, and pardon me, but I don’t know exactly how much sex education you’ve received in the great state of Oklahoma, but from the way you used those words up there, it seems as if you don’t know exactly how pregnancy occurs. In the pregnancy equation, there isn’t only one responsible person. An egg has to be fertilized by a sperm; the egg is in the woman — in your words, Host — and the sperm is in the man — in my words, Sperm Host — and (under natural circumstances) the Hosts of the egg and the sperm both have to interact in order for there to be an actual pregnancy.
So, where I’m at, if you pre-know that you’re going shoot your sperm right out of your Hostself, I’m like, hey, your body is your body and be responsible with it (you’ve heard of condoms, yes?). But, after you’re irresponsible, then don’t claim, ‘Well, that’s the woman Host’s fault, not mine’, or that somehow the woman Host bears all the responsibility of both Hosts’ actions, even though you — the Sperm Host — were also fully and functionally irresponsible, yourself.
Wait a minute …
You see, Mr. Sperm Host, in the end, that’s exactly what happens; planned or unplanned the woman is the person whose body will now, as you say, host another body. The woman is the one who will become sick every waking moment for the first several months of her pregnancy; the woman’s body is the one that will immediately change, and continue to change for the entirety of her pregnancy (and beyond); the woman is the one whose breasts will grow to double, maybe triple their weight, distorted globules of painful flesh; the woman will bear the uncomfortable heaviness of the growing fetus inside her, will be poked and prodded and examined and tested and measured, (judged by her weight gain, and her age and her marital status, and how she handles the entire experience); the woman will be plagued by nutritionally mandated or hormonally dictated dietary changes, generally expected to give up food and drink and medications deemed harmful to a developing child; the woman will endure the overwhelming exhaustion, and the tossing and turning and frequent urination, and the hormonal swings that might convince her she’s a suicidal monster; the woman will go through the excruciating pain of labor, medicated or not, surgically assisted or not, her body often ripped or cut open to facilitate the precious child’s entry into the world; the woman will endure her now even more painful breasts filling with milk and judged for whether and how efficiently she feeds that newborn babe; the woman will be involuntarily evaluated as to every decision regarding her caring techniques, and her maternal bonding, and her ability to soldier through her surging hormones, and fleeting dances with anything resembling sleep; the woman will be deemed right or wrong for choosing to mother full time, or seek outside fulfillment, to have help caring or do it all herself; the mother will be deemed attractive to others or not, depending upon how quickly she can whip herself back into a state of attractiveness, and … well, even a mere Sperm Host such as yourself can see that this is only a partial listing.
Alternately, if we’re going to play Let’s Make a Deal, what’s the flip side of the bargain? Where’s your explicitly stated commitment to this precious creation; if you, the Sperm Host, get to control the decision about what happens when two irresponsible Hosts create life that you, the Sperm Host decide cannot be terminated — where is your express written commitment to that life? Why isn’t that in your little Bill 1441?
You know when you enter a relationship, you (Sperm Host) pre-know that your sperm could get someone pregnant; so how about you just don’t get someone pregnant? And if you do get someone pregnant — in accordance with the Humphrey way of seeing things — you can’t possibly get off scot-free; oh no, my friend. You’re the Sperm Host and you invited yourself in. So if you, according to Bill 1441, decide life must go on (so to speak), you’re going to have to take the same sort of responsibility you expect of an Egg Host. Again, speaking as a once and former multiple Egg Host, I’d suggest you include language that the Host couple receive mandatory counseling on uterus transplantation, and if the pregnancy is to be continued to term, both Hosts must agree which Host will perform the Fertilized Egg Hosting (FEH) duties. For the Host who will not perform the primary function of carrying the fertilized egg, there should be compensatory duties (i.e. financial, labor, care-taking) listed in detail. There should also be language stating that if the Sperm Host and the Egg Host cannot come to agreeable FEH terms within a predetermined timely manner, the Sperm Host who refuses consent to abortion must provide an immediate surrogate for FEH transference, and must also irrevocably transfer all legal, financial and emotional responsibility to himself, absolving the Egg Host of any and all future commitments.
In closing, what’s not good for the goose must also be not good for the gander.
A once and former multiple Egg Host.